WHAT BRIAN
DID NEXT!
"Have you a brain?"
Said the snail to the train
And was electrocuted.
Heather Partridge 1983
I don't know!
What the hell did
Brian do next.
| contents | |
| 1. Introduction | page 3 |
| 2. The Day | page 5 |
| 3. Marmalade | page 16 |
| 4. A secret | page 17 |
| 5. Another Day | page 18 |
| 6. The Feeling | page 20 |
| 7. Quin | page 21 |
Dedicated to Roz Wednesday 22 June 1983
Well Roz this is it. Just imagine no more Heath to take with you to Motspur Park1 or the common room to listen to all the Jam albums ever released. If and when I come back to see what's left of us next term we'll not be so fluent as we are now. I'll probably become a right little tart eventually under the influence of the Basingstoke2 sixth form population. Still, better that than remain a little wallflower as I should if I stayed here. Subject to this I feel compelled to write you the book you wanted.
Here it is!!!
Lots of Love
Heather
THE DAY
by Heather Partidge3
Roz and Nicola4 were arguing as they usually did over whether Simon Le Bon was the most fanciable male or not. I think I should point out that Roz was against and Nicola for.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
"Oh come in! for goodness sake!!" snapped Roz irritably and looked angrily back down at the Paul Wellar5 [sic] interview in Smash Hits6.
The door was flung open violently. Unfortunately, the vast number of dressing gowns and coats behind it muffled the sound which made it less effective.
A slow, deep drawl came from the doorway:
"Is there anyone in here called Roz?"
Roz looked up annoyed at this second interruption. She had been about to say "Oh what do you want? This is the second interruption of my Paul Wellar [sic] interview."
However she didn't.
Lazing against one side of the doorframe was a tall, lanky person with dark brown hair and mod outfit. She frowned.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Probably if that's your bed in the downstairs dormitory with my picture all over the walls!"
"Oh! That's who you are!"
The mystery solved she went back to her book.
The stranger repeated his question. "Is there anyone here called Roz?"
Look what do you want? and stop interrupting my Paul Wellar [sic] interview!"
Unperturbed the man carried on "I'm looking for a new singer for a band I've just formed..."
"Haven't you formed enough bands?" interrupted Roz.
"Only three."
"Well it says in this interview that you've formed four," accused Roz.
Nicola looked on amazed.
"The press are always getting it wrong," said he. "Anyway will you sing for my new group?"
"It depends."
"On what?"
"Whether they're communist songs or not."
"No."
"No! definitely not then!"
"What!!!"
"I refuse to sing anything that isn't communist!"
Wellar [sic] looked a bit confused. "Alright then! Look! You write the songs, sing them and I'll produce them. OK!"
"I suppose so!"
Wellar [sic] looked relieved.
"See you saturday then."
"No! you can't. I've got to buy a new pair of shoes for school."
"Sunday?"
"I suppose so."
Well that was the start of it all. Of course Roz was in great demand and soon Roz and the Pinacoladas were swept along on a tide of famousness.
Finally they came to play especially for the Queen. The Queen was delighted. She stamped her feet and shouted for more until the band collapsed, exhausted and weary on the stage. On seeing this the Queen was so overcome that she insisted that they all went to the palace for a cup of tea and to spend the night.
The next morning the door opened and a little man with a red and gold uniform offered Roz a cup of tea and some digestives.
"Are those McVities?" she asked. The butler looked taken [a]back. "W-well I'm not to[o] sure really. I-I believe so."
Roz smiled to herself. She could see that this little man was totally overcome at meeting such a famous person as herself.
After that the Queen came to give a careful recital of the evening's events and to give Roz some fan mail which had strayed to the palace.
"Shall I read them out to you?" said the Queen excitedly. Roz nodded gracefully. The Queen moved across the room and fetched a gold case encrusted with diamonds from a small chest of drawers. From it she proceeded to withdraw her spectacles.
Settling down she began to read the letters.
"Dear Roz," began the first. "How are you? I'm fine. Mrs Humphries7 wants to know if you're going to send anything to the laundry this week. If so will you please notify her."
The Queen adjusted her glasses and frowned. "Shall I carry on?"
Roz nodded gracefully again. She had become very good at it since she'd become famous.
"Nicola sends her regards and a photo of Simon Le Bon."
"Oh!" said Roz "How boring. I've already got one. And in any case he keeps asking me out."
The Queen adjusted her glasses again.
"Oh! That reminds me!" said Roz. "Why don't you get another pair of glasses? Those ones don't go with your silver dress and crown."
"Oh! don't you like them?" said the Queen sadly.
"Of course I do!" said Roz kindly. "It's just that I think that they don't really go with your silver dress and crown."
"Anyway shall I carry on?
... When are you coming to break us out of here?
Lots of love
Nicola."
The Queen opened the next one.
"Dear Madam,
If you don't pay up soon we'll cut off all your electricity.
-- From the electric company"
Roz sighed.
"Dear Dear Roz,
I love you so much. I listen to you every time you are on the radio and television. I have all your records and cassettes. Your new video is absolutely tremendous and I watch it whenever I'm not watching the telly or listening to the radio. I think you are really fabulous and I desire you most of all things in the world.
Lots and lots of love
Pete. (Wylie)"
"That's more like it!" said the Queen. Roz couldn't hear, she'd blocked her ears from this embarrassment.
"Darling Roz,
Have you remembered to send your shirts to the laundry?
Lots of love
Mummy."
Roz looked embarrassed again. The last letter looked more promising.
"Dearest darling Roz,
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at the British Rock and Pop Awards. I love you so much and please will you marry me.
Love from
Simon Le Bon x "
Roz groaned.
"Lord! That man is such a creep!"
"No! he isn't," said the Queen.
"Yes! he is," said Roz.
"No! he isn't," said Nicola.
"Yes! he is," said Roz.
Heather looked in the door.
"Not still arguing are you? and Roz there's a guy here wants you. I think he said something about a singer for a new group."
THE END
©opyright Heather Partridge 1983.
Marmalade
(What we made up together to the 'Grease' theme ages ago)
We wake up in the morning every day
We have our marmalade
Yes we have our way
It doesn't matter what the flavour is
It's all the same to us
It all goes down the same way
MARMALADE
A Secret
"The greatest number of storeys achieved in building freestanding houses of playing cards is 61 in the case of a tower using 3650 cards to a height of 11ft 7in built by James Warnock at Cantley, Quebec, Canada on 8 Sept 1978."
(GuinnessBook of Records 1981)
This, Roz, is the Record that I am going to break one day so watch out for it. My biggest so far is 16 storeys. However there is a slight problem ie nowhere in our house is there a 12ft room height and 3650 cards comes to 70.2 packs. I built 16 storeys with four packs of cards however I will need a few more than that. And imagine sorting them out again after!!
Another Day
Nick Heyward was walking down Tiverton Road8 one day when he happened to notice that Heather had brought home a new friend.
"Ah!" thought he. "This is my chance."
He strolled casually up to them and coolly said
"Hey honey! Who's ya friend?"
Knowing full well what he was up to she replied
"Amadwaray9 Daniel for your information."
"Ta!" he said. "Wanna come swimming Babe?"
"OK!" replied Babe.
They all went down to the pool for a dip. Unfortunately for Nick he was hoping that no one would want to come because he couldn't swim. So he had to sit out at the side and watch or flounder around at the shallow end.
Paul Wellar arrived in a stunning pair of silver trunks with gold trimmings.
"Listen Nick!" he said kindly. "I'll show you how to cope with the situation." And he taught Nick how to swim. So enthralled was he about his new achievement that he didn't notice Paul, Babe, Heather and another guy get out and go down the pub.
THE END
©opyright Heather Partridge 1983
As you can see I'm running desperately out of inspiration.
THE FEELING ONE SOMETIMES GETS
It's a very happy feeling
When you're off to sunny Spain,
And you've got two cousins waiting.
It's just not quite the same,
As being back in England
With some O'levels still to do,
And writing silly storys [sic]
for a person, namely YOU!
Heather Partridge
(dare I admit to writing it?)
The End Or The Beginning?
As one chapter finishes another begins. That is what they say. I often wonder to myself while in the throes of poetry whether I am at the beginning, or the end or, maybe, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning or, perhaps, I'm in the middle somewhere lost at sea or some other such obscure place. One thing I'll always know though is that there was a Roz in this life. I will always know that Roz had a brother whose birthday was the same day as my mum's. It will always be one of the things I'll look back on and say "why the hell did I remember that?" (the bit about your brother's birthday that is, not you)
Always remember the immortal words
"It doesn't matter if we never meet again
What we have said will always remain" 10
and with it remember me (along with 'Pretty Green' and 'Monday'). I don't mean to get so sentimental it's just that it's only just getting through to me how sad this whole business is. I keep telling people that I'm not going to cry on Monday the 4th July but you know, Roz, I think I will.
"Puts up the closed sign does the man in the corner shop
Serves his last and says goodbye to him." 11
Is this the end or the beginning? Whatever I'm glad I knew you.
Goodbye Roz
Heather
THE END
Footnotes
1. Motspur Park: Annual athletics event in London that I ran in every year. Heather always went with me and Miss Gregson 'cos I asked her to, and 'cos she got to check out all the fanciable boys.
2. Basingstoke: City in Surrey.
3. Heather Partridge: Friend in Tormead School who wrote these short stories.
4. Nicola Walker: As manic about Duran Duran as I was about The Jam. We liked arguing about the merits of one as opposed to the other.
6. British teen music magazine with lyrics to songs in the charts.
7. Mrs Humphries: Matron at Lyncairn Boarding House.
8. Tiverton Road: Road in Basingstoke where Heather lived.
11. From Man in the Corner Shop by The Jam.