It's now 2007 and here I am, going through yet another trial. I've just gone through reading Count It All Joy and even in the midst of this new trial it has comforted me again.
My whole world fell apart at the end of 2006 when most of everything I knew was taken away from me. It was literally as if someone had viciously removed the rug out from under me.
I went through anger at God because really I had put my trust in Him and commited my way to Him, and yet, again, He appeared not to have been there when I needed Him.
I went through months of anguish and most of the time I couldn't cry because I was just so angry and hurt. Yes, I figuratively shook my fist at God and wondered why when I felt I had done everything "by the book", He would let me down. I really empathised with Job I tell you. It couldn't be sin that had brought on my troubles 'cos I had done nothing wrong!
Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you.
They cannot do more than work My Will,
and that Will you have said is your Will.
God Calling edited by A.J. Russell, p. 141.
I remember watching Paula White on TBN and getting annoyed because she would come out with all these little ditties and sayings about God that seemed so trite. I would inwardly say to her "it doesn't work Paula, you're telling a lie."
I honestly wanted to let go of God's hand because I didn't see the point in walking with Him, but then I was like, where would I go if I let go? What would I have? It was scarier letting go than it was holding on.
Thankfully God was not prepared to let go of my hand and that, I believe, is what kept me going. For months He appeared to be silent. When I did manage to pray He wasn't there. I tried to sing praises and stand on His promises, but that didn't help. Besides I told myself He hadn't made me any promises so what was there to stand upon?
Then in May 2007 I bought Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen. I had never been a fan of his; having based my opinion of him solely on hearsay which criticized him for being more like a motivational speaker than a preacher, because apparently he hardly ever quotes the Bible. That book changed my life however. It's full of stuff I already knew, but it came at the right time. I changed my attitude and then I believe my circumstances began to change.
Then I had a "eureka" moment when I realised that God's word is chock-a-block full of promises that I can stand upon, and that's what I've been doing since May. I even had to ask Him for forgiveness for saying He hadn't promised me anything.
I will walk by faith,
Even when I cannot see.
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your Will for me.
Walk by Faith by Jeremy Camp
The Bible is now a book I actually enjoy reading as it's so full of life. I mean I knew this before, but not on a really personal level. For example, I am standing on God's promises of protection in time of danger as given in Psalm 91, which now is a life-giving force to me rather than just a psalm people recite.
I need the Bible now more than I ever did before when everything was cosy. It has become the air I breathe. I am closer to God now than I ever have been before. He is showing me so many things about myself, teaching me new things and pruning me by allowing me to go through these trials.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still not there. I definitely could read and study my Bible more and spend more time with God, but I'm moving forward and no longer want to let go.